i like you.

i hate you.

i don't know what i feel towards you anymore.

sometimes i like you so much, it hurts. you make me smile and laugh until i have no happiness left, and i just hate you for sucking all the happiness out of me.

but i love you for it. i love that you're the only one anymore who can turn my days around. even when you're mean, and portraying me in a negative light, it just makes me happy that you're talking to me at all, that you notice all the things about me and care enough to tell me what's wrong with me, that i should fix them, that i should be a happier person, that i should smile more. but, it's exactly you telling me this that makes me smile, that makes me laugh. that makes me realize how stupid i'm being.

i'm stupid for liking you. for ever falling for you.

you're weird. we know it. we all know it. you know it. i know it.

and even so, i like you anyway.

maybe it's this weirdness that draws me to you. i've noticed, whenever i've fallen hard for someone, it's always someone who's a little more dorky, a little more different, a little more...weird than everyone. granted, we're all different in our own way, but i guess what i'm saying is that those i like wouldn't really fall under your average person's description of "normal".

sometimes i think that maybe i just want to burn clichés down, that maybe it's good to like a guy like you because, well, you're different. i don't know. you confuse me sometimes. you say you'll do something, and you never go along with it. maybe i'm just a little too expecting. i'm always deathly afraid that i'll never be good enough for anyone, that i'll always fail in whatever i do. and that's why i try to never get too close to people, because my first instinct is that because i'm so close to the person, i'll have to commit to being friends for a long time and stay in touch and all of that, and it scares me because as hard i know i'll try to stay friends and be close, i'm going to fail in the end.

and i'm scared of getting too close to you, as in being a friend. i'm sorry for appearing so detached sometimes, but it's part of who i am. i do have close friends that i want to stay friends with for a long time, but i'm afraid of losing touch once we're all out of this stupid brick prison we're trapped in. i'm afraid of losing them if our friendship grows too strong, if i find myself relying on them to help me out of situations, if i find they're relying on me to help with their problems a little too much than i'd be used to.

i'm scared of falling too hard for you.

i don't know if it's a phase i'm just going through, but...god, i don't know. i like you and i hate you, all at once, and it hurts my brain to feel two extremes all at the same time.

i'm scared that i'll break if i fall for you too hard, because i know you'll never like me anyway, and i wonder sometimes if it's a lost cause, this whole me-liking-you thing.

i don't know if it's just because you space out too much, but i always catch you staring at her, and her, and maybe her. and she's always coming over and laying her head on yours, and you're always flirting with her, and it makes my insides boil a little. i know it's wrong, but it makes me feel like that. classes become a little torturous, and it annoys me that i'm allowing myself to feel like this. i'm a violent person, but it's the first time i ever felt like i seriously wanted to tear someone's head off even though they were my friend, even though i talked to them, smiled at them, discussed worldly issues and homework and whatever else the world has to offer.

and it depresses me that you talk to them about so much more than you do to me. i feel like all i ever talk to you about is homework. yeah, occasionally you'll give me good music, and sometimes you'll flirt, but homework is all it is. i realize this is partially my fault because i don't take the initiative to talk to you, but...i never take the initiative. i'm not that type of person. i also have a bad habit of sounding really stupid and i come off as a complete and utter idiot when i do talk first. i think i care about impressions too much.

i'm digressing. i'm sorry. i do that a lot.

where was i?

right, how i hate that you talk to them more than you talk to me.

it's a stupid thing to feel. it is. my friends tell me it's normal to get jealous.

how i hate that word. jealous. it sounds so unpleasant. jealous. jealous. jealous. i'm a jellus h8r, i am.

i'm envious, covetous, resentful, possessive. i'm possessive of you, alright? and i'm an idiot for being like that. i don't own you. you're not mine. you never will be. sometimes, i wonder whether it's worth it that i like you. that i take all this effort to write down my feelings about you, when half the time i don't even fucking know what it is i feel. if it's rational to feel this way, if it's irrational to feel like i want to bite someone's head off, if i even feel anything at all, this and that and those everyday things that i don't pay attention to but i know will make a difference. why i'm even writing this letter, when you'll never read it, and even if you do, i don't think you'll realize it's directed towards you. because you're stupid, too. thickheaded. you never realize anything. that, or you just choose to ignore it.

you make my life complicated, and i'm still not sure whether or not i should actively try to get the hell over you already so i can be a little happier and stop feeling like a rock that's just being pushed around. or maybe i should just keep letting things happen, like i've been doing all these months. it never gets me anywhere good, because my feelings keep going up and down and i keep smiling and laughing and the next day i'm a big heap of antisocialness and you're staying away from me and telling me that i'm an unhappy little bitch and it makes me smile to hear you say that.

why do i smile when you say those things to me?

sometimes i just have an urge to tell you that i like you, already. maybe it'll make things simpler. you'll avoid me, i get annoyed at myself, and over time i just stop liking you. maybe. choices, choices. why do i have to decide? can't i just let things happen?

fuck, i'm bleeding. see what you make me do? make me think so hard about what to say that i pick at the skin by my nails until i pick so hard that it comes off and i start bleeding. damn you.

it's drying now. i'll leave this alone and focus.

god, i don't even know what i'm writing anymore. i don't know why i'm writing. i guess here, i can say what i want, anything i want, what it is i'm too scared to tell you face-to-face. actually, i would never dare to say any of this to you face-to-face purely because it's all stupid and i know a lot of these feelings are illogical and senseless and probably mindless and i feel like i'm half-asleep when i realize what's going on in my head regarding you. you.

you.

you amuse me. make my day. make me grin from ear to ear when no one's looking, remembering something stupid you did that made me smile. you.

you pop up in my head at the most random of times. when i'm supposed to be serious, and i just think of you, and i get lost in the thought and i'm dreaming in my own world and i don't even give a fuck anymore about what's around me, it's just you. and my devil of a mom is screaming, and my brother's giving me weird looks, and my friends are going "here she goes again" but i don't care because it's you who can brighten my mood, even if for five seconds at a time.

you, dammit. it's also you who can make me feel so much hate, it's just ridiculous yet i don't want to do anything about it, and i'd like to think that maybe throwing myself off of a building will bring be back to my senses. but i know that won't happen. even if there were people to save me at the bottom, i would die anyway because you wouldn't care enough to come and watch me fall, watch me break, watch me scream my heart out because i like you so much that it kills. maybe it's love that makes me scream out in pain until all you can hear are my whispers telling you that maybe, i love you, and my voice is cracking and you still wouldn't care. i'm too young to know.

i compare myself to those cloudy days full of 20 mile per hour wind chills. bleak, and dreary, and full of everything the opposite of fun and happy and optimistic (because i'm the most pessimistic person you've ever met, aren't i?). but there's hope, somewhere. hope that tomorrow will be brighter, because things can't get much worse, so maybe tomorrow will give us something to smile about. maybe tomorrow will give me something to smile about.

i hate you so much, and i mean it.

but i love you all the same.